After I felt comfortable enough to share this tool with the community I was asked if I could not only describe what the Rope Radar can be used for, but also explain how to use it. Of course there is no universal guidance for this, as it is a matter of personal preference and also depends on your partner, but here are some inputs anyway that might be helpful.
While the radar can of course also be used just for inspiration or self-assessment, it’s main purpose is of course to help negotiating sessions. So, here’s a few tips on how this could be done.
Preparation and introduction
- Ideally, you have a printed version ready. It’s always easier to work with something you physically have in your hand. You can turn it, write on it, change something – you name it.
- Introduce Rope Radar as an offer, not a necessity. Some people might be overwhelmed by all the terms, they might feel uncomfortable narrowing things down so specifically, or it might just not be their thing to use.
- Be prepared to explain what each term means. For you personally or to explain them to your partner in general, in case they don’t know certain terms. Even if or especially because meaning depends on individual interpretation. This will help you, your partner and also mutual understanding of what you’re talking about.
- Keep in mind that the result of any negotiation comes out primarily only for this moment in this constellation. It can be completely different at a later time, under different circumstances or with a different partner.
- Make sure that using the Rope Radar feels like a playful exploration, not a formal evaluation. Negotiation should also be fun and exciting.
- Maybe obvious, but the Rope Radar and what’s on it is based on the rope bottoms perspective and using it should therefore start with what the bottom would like to receive. But it’s equally important to while having that conversation to dive into what the rope top is looking for and feeling comfortable with doing.
Example application
Disclaimer: The following is described from the rope top’s perspective doing the facilitation. It can of course also be done the other way around, where the rope bottom explains their desires first based on the radar and asks the rope what they are looking for and feel comfortable with providing.
Discuss the WHAT
What is shown on the radar is the emotional and dynamic spheres you want to explore together. Focus on feelings and dynamics, not execution.
- Openly ask your partner which of the things on the radar resonate particularly positively with them in terms of the upcoming session and mark it on the radar. Match what you hear just as openly with your own desires. Talk about common ground, possible discrepancies, what the things mentioned mean to each of you personally, and what can enable the desired sensations and prevent the unwanted sensations in a session. Keep an eye on very high or very low rated things. How are high rated dynamics connected, even if they’re far apart? How are very differently rated dynamics disconnected, even if they’re just next to each other? How is sexual pleasure connected or disconnected from intimacy? How is pain related to release?
- Of course, this can be done also without drawing and just talking. But it really helps to facilitate the discussion with visual representation that you can reference and also come back to later.
Discuss the HOW
After you’ve learned about the dynamics you want to explore together, discuss how you want to get there. Discuss practices that help you achieving this.
- Discuss specific boundaries and accelerators for the dynamics you want to achieve. Which pain do you like? Which kind of touch is okay when diving into sexual pleasure? Take notes outside of the radar where it belongs to.
And as a very basic tip, ask a lot! Ask for interpretations. Ask for examples that spark a desired feeling. Ask about how things on the radar feel different that are in a similar direction but have been rated differently. Ask how certain sensations do or do not relate to each other. Where their evaluation is tied to certain good or bad experiences, emotions of joy or also concern. And of course ask if there’s something they aim for that seems to be missing on the radar, which might of course be the case.
Handling WHAT and HOW during the session
When you go into the session, be aware that the What inside of the radar can change and evolve during a session. This is fine. It’s the flow you create. But you should never change the How, as this is the frame and it’s boundaries you created to navigate through during the session.